Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Sibling Saga

Living with my brother has some perks.
-he is very easygoing
-the rent is cheap
(end of list)
 

My brother is generally a ridiculous person. Sometimes he's funny on purpose, and often he's funny as a side-effect of being ridiculous. For the past year, I've been documenting his most ridiculous moments for a regular mailing list. He recently found out about this. To my surprise, he was not at all angry, but rather honoured by the attention. He has given me permission to post his "greatest hits" here.


[31/10/2013]

My brother and I have an ongoing issue about sharing milk. I only use milk for coffee, and he likes to chug it by the glass. If I buy two litres, it will likely be gone before the end of the week and I'll be stuck drinking black coffee because he never leaves a note. I thought I had finally solved my problem by buying a litre of cream, which is more than enough to last me the week, and for which he has no use.

This morning when I picked up the carton, it was alarmingly light. Much lighter than when I had used it the previous day. Then I noticed a dirty glass in the sink.

Yep. My brother poured and drank a full glass of cream.


[03/11/2013]

We had about 30 bags of Doritos leftover from Halloween. My brother is eating them with such stamina, that the moments between bags (during which he is discarding one bag and opening another) are so inconsequential that he does not appear to notice them. At least I am assuming that he does not notice, because each empty bag is discarded at the place he happens to be when he finishes it.

I want to put this on my blog, but I'm worried that he might read it and then he will yell at me and Dorito crumbs will spray all over the place.


[17/11/2013]
I confront my brother about drinking a glass of cream

me: Don't drink the cream again.

brother: Well sorry! I thought that cream was like milk. I thought we were sharing it.

[we are both yelling starting here]

me: PEOPLE DON'T DRINK GLASSES OF CREAM.

brother: SOME PEOPLE DO.

me: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE.

brother: WELL IF I KNEW WE WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT IT FOR THIS LONG, I NEVER WOULD HAVE DRANK IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.