No, you're Schmoopy (redux)

I've been staying with my ex-boyfriend for the past two weeks. We're friends now, so it's not awkward or uncomfortable for me to drop in without notice and then never leave. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, if we had stayed together, which of us would have been murdered first.

me: Oh hi. I wasn't expecting you home so soon... I'm pretty sure I remembered to flush my giant turd.

Tim: Maybe you should just go check.

me: Nah. We're good. There's no reason I wouldn't have flushed it.

Tim: Fine. I'll check. Wait, is this a prank? You're trying to trick me into looking at your turd!

...

me: Would it be considered prostitution if I payed rent in BJs?

Tim: Yes, but I wont talk you out of it.

me: Good. I blew your landlord.

visiting my ex

me: You're the only adult I know who has a single bed.

Tim: Yes, well, I have reasonable expectations.

true story

When I was a kid, I had an attack bunny named Snarls. My parents paid for professional photos of me with my bunny and those photos are now on display at my parents' house.