I ruin conversations

mom: so, I just wanted to make sure that you're going to the doctor for annual check-ups.

me: don't worry about that; I get one every time I have an abortion.


Regan: Wow, Cecile has some nice biceps.

Me: That's nothing. You should see her thighs!

minimal amounts of both power and responsibility

Even though I should know better so close to the end of term, I was sitting around the math club last week when one of the current execs approached me.

him: hey, can you be an exec for the club next year?

me: ugh.

him: if you don't say yes, we'll probably just make you one anyway.

other exec: that's how it happened to me.

so yeah, it looks like I'll be the "Room Manager", whatever that is. My first order of business, according to the current president, is to do something about the corn dog situation: there's a box of corn dogs in the freezer that aren't being eaten. As someone who once turned a box of fries into a backyard fire, and a thanksgiving turkey into a meter-long strip of pulp, I'm sure I can find a way to destroy a box of corn dogs. I guess that'll be my campaign platform.

flattery will get you nowhere

is what my friends and family seem to believe. Here's what they've been saying to me:


Dick: every time I look at you, all I can think about is malnutrition.

former roommate: You're like an alcoholic, but with fruit. And alcohol.

my boss: you look like you're from outer space.

my mom: you weren't a mistake. We definitely planned you. We planned the heck out of you!

former roommate: my boss calls you 'Wednesday' behind your back.