Wednesday, September 28, 2016

this month

-I had three dreams in which I was just sleeping.

-I had one dream about a house cat losing his wifi privileges.

-my beloved calculator watch broke, and my boss bought me a replacement from a dollar store. It’s Star Wars themed, and an absolute piece of crap, and I love it.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Gay Pride Week was fantastic!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming, gay shame.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

This has to be an omen

When I picked up my running shorts this morning, three silverfish fell out.

Sunday, June 19, 2016


When I was a kid, especially in high school, my father made no secret of his disdain for our free public education. According to dad, most of what we did in school was a “bullshit, waste of time.” As long as our grades weren’t bad, he didn’t seem to care too much. But when I did get a bad grade, dad was pissed. I tried to throw it back in his face.

Me: I thought you said school was a bullshit, waste of time.

Dad: Yeah, but that doesn’t explain why you’re bad at it.

I have a distinct memory of the time my older brother taught me how to play tic-tac-toe. I immediately lost the first two games, and then won the third. I proudly showed my win to dad, who said, “You should never lose at tic-tac-toe.” That’s how he felt about school -doing poorly means a lot, but doing well means nothing. It wasn’t discouraging; dad just expected more.

So of course, when he attended awards ceremonies at school, it was out of parental obligation. And to entertain us by interjecting with his opinions.

Teacher, presenting award: These are truly the best students. These are the cream of the crop!

Dad, quietly to my brother: Did he just say ‘cream of the crop’? These are clearly the loser kids; even I can see that.

That’s priceless. That’s dad.

Happy Father’s Day.

Monday, May 30, 2016

smarter than the average bear

I just put a pancake into a ziploc bag, poured syrup into it, and then used the bag to squeeze and slide it into my mouth. I did it to avoid washing a dish, but now I feel like an animal.

Friday, April 29, 2016

beer before liquor, finish quicker

It's the start of the outdoor running season, and I was feeling great about two back-to-back races a few weekends ago. I maintained a decent time on a trail race in Squamish, and the next day I beat my Sun Run time by a full five minutes. I was feeling great about that, until I spoke to a friend who beat my time by ten minutes, and did the race horribly hungover. As he told me, he spent the majority of the race consciously clenching his anus to avoid crapping his shorts.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I have a lot of athletic friends who beat my time every year. But I can't not be jealous of this guy. It's an impressive feat of athleticism. They should really have a separate category, or even a full event for people like that. And they should call it the Sun Runs.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

I'm gross.

(This is the sort of thing that I would do, whilst swearing to myself that I would never tell anyone, and then immediately tell everyone. Might as well post it here.)

I had just packed for a trip when I remembered I had to brush my teeth. My brand new toothbrush was already packed into my very compact backpack, and my old toothbrush had just been thrown into the garbage. My ride was waiting for me outside. I had a choice to make.

So, I fished my old toothbrush out of the garbage, brushed my teeth, and put it back in the garbage.