Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Texts from my Ex

Jan. 26

Feb. 2

Feb. 14
“Happy Valentines Day. Look at my butte.” [link to photo of rock formation “butte”]

Last week:

I don't even remember why we broke up. Tim, will you take me back?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

I'm vaguely aware of him

LinkedIn: Do you know [the brother that I live with]?

me: Do you ever really know a person?

Sunday, December 31, 2017

year end confessions

-I paid for, downloaded, and listened to a Pitbull song.

-last night I was out in the cold, and without any other option at the time, blew my nose in my mitten.

-one night when I couldn't sleep, I poured Nyquil over ice cream and ate it like a sundae.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Seasons Greetings?

boss: Hey, it's almost December.

me: Yeah, time to start coasting.

boss: I prefer to think of it as a "controlled descent".


boss: I'm going out for lunch, Starbucks, to poop, and to get your Christmas present. Back in a bit.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Happy Halloween

I dressed up as a cow for work today. It was fun, and I got to wear a hood as part of the costume, which is a rarely acceptable solution for bed head. My hair seems to have reached an awkward length, at which bed head is both chronic and severe. In the past week I have received snark from three separate co-workers (“with bed head like that, maybe you should just call in sick!”), forcing me to resort to a hair contingency plan I call “The Maddow”.

The cow costume went over well with my co-workers, especially with my well-timed entrance to the lunch room, just as the delivery man arrived with a cart full of milk and coffee creamer. “Thank God you’re here!” I announced (I’m sure I could have said almost anything and it would have been hilarious).

So now I have a zip-up cow onesie, which I plan on wearing regularly around the house. More than one co-worker asked if it was actually my pyjamas, re-purposed as a Halloween costume, so that should give you an idea of how much dignity I convey in the workplace (see above, re: bed head). In fact, these people could not be more wrong, because the opposite is true. It is a Halloween costume, re-purposed as pyjamas.

Saturday, September 30, 2017


My boss is not a coffee drinker. As such, he never used to come with us to Starbucks, until late last year when a coworker mentioned the Starbucks points system.

“They have points!?” he inquired, suddenly very interested in Starbucks.

He came with us to Starbucks that day, and got a Starbucks card. Within one month, he had purchased so many Starbucks products, that they made him an “elite” member. He received a black and gold Starbucks card in the mail, embossed with his name. For comparison, I’ve been a heavy coffee drinker since I was 13, and have not achieved any similar status at any coffee shop.

He’s a sucker for points, and fast food. So of course I was horrified when 7-11 rolled out their points system earlier this month. We found ourselves at a 7-11 downtown, late last Tuesday after work, and I foolishly questioned his purchase of fried chicken and mystery meat on a stick.

“They have points.” he said, beaming with self-satisfaction.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

follow up

-was compensated for the elevator incident, with $500 in gift cards (at that hourly rate, I am strongly considering doing it again to supplement my income)

-managed to get locked in a stairwell of the same building (and was not compensated)