Thursday, November 17, 2016

Adulthood

I spent last weekend at Great Wolf Lodge, easily the most fun I’ve ever had at a hotel. We accidentally booked the “accessible” suite, which is just a nice way of saying “grab rails on every vertical surface and a phone next to the toilet”. Also, extra-wide doorways, which wasn’t a bad thing given that my travel companion is legally blind without his glasses.

The hotel has an arcade, mini golf, and an indoor water park with water slides. I had to dig my swimsuit out of the back of my closet for the first time in years.

Here’s the thing about my swimsuit: it’s technically a two-piece, but it has long sleeves and it fits like a comfortable turtleneck. It is also a turtleneck. I’ve long had an aversion to indoor pools, direct sunlight, and tight-fitting clothes. So my extremely modest swimsuit (I’m completely covered from knees to neck) makes sense. It was purchased sometime in the 90s for my younger brother, and later handed down to me. I am still wearing it two decades later, so I can confidently say we got our money’s worth.

The arcade is open 24 hours, and we spent at least 24 hours in it. The first morning, I woke up at 6:00 am to play Skee Ball, and after a few hours I had a couple of kids watching me while the machine hemorrhaged ribbons of tickets for my wins (I’m pretty good at Skee Ball). The second night we both stayed up all night playing games, and by the time we checked out Sunday morning we had enough tickets between us to buy almost anything from the prize counter.

Emerging from the arcade with a bag full of prizes (including a Fitbit), making our way through the parking lot to the car, we passed an old station wagon which had been painted in fluorescent colours and stuck all over with shoes, toys, and assorted knick-knacks. My friend remarked to me, “Some people just have too much time on their hands.”

Friday, October 28, 2016

Finally, a blog post about bathroom clogs!

My brother and I have a small issue with the drains in our bathroom. We are so hairy (combined; not pinning the blame on a specific sibling), that it seems no drain can remain unblocked for longer than a few weeks. At this point I’m pro-actively buying Drano, and running it down the drains at an almost even ratio of shower to Drano.

Life has a certain way of evening things out. Twice this month I’ve pulled my running shorts on too quickly and the safety pin on the front, which I use to hold my headphones cord, has gotten caught in my bush and ripped out several pubes. I’m not saying this makes a huge difference, but if I continue at the current rate, it eventually will.

And as an aside: between the running shorts pube incidents, and the time I accidentally got whey powder in my eye, I think I deserve a trophy for “least dignified sports injuries”.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

this month

-I had three dreams in which I was just sleeping.

-I had one dream about a house cat losing his wifi privileges.

-my beloved calculator watch broke, and my boss bought me a replacement from a dollar store. It’s Star Wars themed, and an absolute piece of crap, and I love it.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Gay Pride Week was fantastic!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming, gay shame.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

This has to be an omen

When I picked up my running shorts this morning, three silverfish fell out.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Dad

When I was a kid, especially in high school, my father made no secret of his disdain for our free public education. According to dad, most of what we did in school was a “bullshit, waste of time.” As long as our grades weren’t bad, he didn’t seem to care too much. But when I did get a bad grade, dad was pissed. I tried to throw it back in his face.

Me: I thought you said school was a bullshit, waste of time.

Dad: Yeah, but that doesn’t explain why you’re bad at it.

I have a distinct memory of the time my older brother taught me how to play tic-tac-toe. I immediately lost the first two games, and then won the third. I proudly showed my win to dad, who said, “You should never lose at tic-tac-toe.” That’s how he felt about school -doing poorly means a lot, but doing well means nothing. It wasn’t discouraging; dad just expected more.

So of course, when he attended awards ceremonies at school, it was out of parental obligation. And to entertain us by interjecting with his opinions.

Teacher, presenting award: These are truly the best students. These are the cream of the crop!

Dad, quietly to my brother: Did he just say ‘cream of the crop’? These are clearly the loser kids; even I can see that.

That’s priceless. That’s dad.

Happy Father’s Day.

Monday, May 30, 2016

smarter than the average bear

I just put a pancake into a ziploc bag, poured syrup into it, and then used the bag to squeeze and slide it into my mouth. I did it to avoid washing a dish, but now I feel like an animal.